solitude.

Happy Friday, Happy 35652 Day of Quarantine, Happy Day!

Yesterday that was green

The last two days have been meh. I'll be real honest with you. Yesterday after finally having a completely snow-free yard, Mother Nature had the audacity to dish out a fresh blanket of heavy snow! Don't get me wrong, I usually love snow, but really??! We just got rid of the stuff! And then there's today... let's just call it drippy and dreary day. It's the kind of day where you want to curl up on the couch under a blanket, drink a hot beverage and maybe even take a nap while you drool on the book you almost thought about reading. It's just cold, and staying inside seems a whole lot more comfortable.

In the past, days like these made me feel lonely. It's the kind of day where I would start thinking about all the people I can't see (virus or not), and how I wish they were here with me. The kind of day where I would start feeling sad because I was alone. The kind of day that made me wish I were a kid again with that incredible imagination that could take you anywhere besides right here on this couch. That kind of day...

Quarantine has definitely made it a little more challenging than a usual gloomy April shower day, because I can't just browse Homegoods or meet up with a friend to occupy my mind. I can't go to the beach in my raincoat or visit a local park. I must not be the only one who understands being "cooped up," right?

But let me tell you something... Since the onset of quarantine, something positive has sprouted in me. It is something that did not come naturally to me, nor did it formulate at day one or even day 6, but slowly transpired as more and more days passed and I was forced to be alone for many hours during the day. I discovered that loneliness is not the same as solitude.

Solitude is a choice. And just like being happy, we can choose to be content in solitude. These past few weeks has garnered a newfound appreciation for physical human connection, but at the same time, it has showed me how powerful I can be when I am in solitude.

An oldie, but I like these people!

I have ALWAYS been a people person! I enjoy silly banter with friends and loved ones, I love playing with kids and being as imaginative as they are, I love meeting new people and finding out what makes them tick, I love hearing people's emotions and being that person someone can trust, I love striking conversations with random people in the grocery store over what laundry detergent they use or where they bought their purse and I absolutely love watching friends roll their eyes as I spout out more ridiculous (but 387535267% necessary) puns every 10-15 seconds. I love people. I almost always choose to spend my time with family or friends over being alone because being around an intimate group of people is more interesting and fun to me than the activities I would usually do alone.

Activities I happily do alone:
-Write in my journal
-Watch Gilmore Girls
-Read a book
-cry in the shower

Activities I do alone, but would prefer to do with people:
-Everything else

Get the picture? I did not do a whole heck of a lot without other people! I have NEVER gone to a movie alone, I have NEVER gone to a bar and ordered a drink for one nor have I gone to a sit down restaurant and eaten by myself... have you?

Anyway... this isn't a story about the old adventures of "old Rachele," this is about the new concepts that "growing Rachele" is just starting to grasp. "Growing Rachele" realized fairly quickly in quarantine that she did not have a crystal ball and since she lacked that vital tool, she would not have any clue when this would all end. In fact... no one had a crystal ball. And you know what that means, right? She was forced to accept it and discover new ways, aside from friends and family and kids and co-workers, to make her happy. And you know what she discovered?!? She gets along way better with herself than she thought she would, and better yet, they have a lot in common!

While I still crave friendship and use that word regularly as the answer to every question people ask me (if you know me you understand that...), I have become way more comfortable being content with myself. I have created routines for my mornings, I have
set limits on certain activities, I have tried making new foods, I have "let my freak flag fly" in the creativity world, I have made sure I get fresh air almost every day and I have been able to turn my brain completely OFF instead of letting it spiral toward frustration about something I cannot control (most of the time)! I have found solitude and stepped away from loneliness.

And I am not saying I am perfect... I still feel lonely every now and again, but in all honesty, we were trained that way! I am not saying it is anyone's fault, but there is so much societal pressure to be social and to have friends, that no one is ever taught how to be by themselves. I have always felt the tremendous pull of F.O.M.O. (the fear of missing out) because intrinsically, I am terrified of feeling "left out." What if I chose instead, J.O.M.O. (the joy of missing out)? What if I decided I would rather spend time working on myself and my personal goals than feel alone.

Like I said, we can make that choice. It took me 27 years and a wicked contagious virus to teach me this one. What new thing have you learned in quarantine?

-R